why am i even doing this?

because i want to write again. i want to FEEL again. i have been putting my thoughts and my voice out there online since may of 2024. and i have constantly been evolving, shifting, changing. not only in my work but also in myself. as soon as i think i have ANYTHING figured out, i realize that it was never what i wanted in the first place. the sun rises and the sun sets and i start over again and again and again. (yes, i have been learning to give myself permission to start over again and again and again.)

i completed my first 300 hour internship at a recovery center for individuals with mental health and substance use disorders. initially i had an internship set up at a home for individuals escaping from and recovering from domestic violence. i ended up at the substance use recovery center when that internship fell through due to some insurance or legal bullshit. i was devastated. i was in guatemala when i found out and i cried to my mom over the phone. i was intensely afraid of not being able to continue my masters degree for another semester due to losing the internship last minute. i had already taken a semester off to travel, and i have zero regrets on this. but i didn't want to delay another semester. i didn't want to feel behind. i always feel like i'm behind.

anyways, i ended up at the recovery center for addiction and mental health. i had already taught over a year of yoga classes there and given hundreds of hours of reiki there, but my new role as an intern would be completely different. i could no longer just be the spiritual hippie lady who showed up twice a week for yoga classes, sound healing, and reiki healing. i was a "therapist" now. i was leading group therapy and meeting with individuals for 1:1 sessions. i was teaching therapeutic concepts and facilitating group discussion on addiction and recovery, having had zero experience in ANY of it myself. the clientele were only in the program short term, so we couldn't even do the deeper trauma work that i desired to do. (and i personally hold the belief that trauma is the gateway drug, so it seemed silly to work with clients while carefully avoiding the topic of trauma — when really, it always comes back to trauma.) the internship did not feel like a fit, truthfully. it simply was not the work i wanted to do.

but i did it. for 300 hours i did it. and my god, i learned so much. from the process of showing UP three full days a week, and from the process of just listening. to the clients. to my coworkers. to a supervisor who still checks in on me to this day to see how i am doing in the realm of social work. at the start of that internship, i thought "i don't want to get stuck here for another semester." by the end of that internship i thought, "is it a mistake to leave and move on?" funny how things shift like that.

and it's even funnier because now i am in my new internship — a dream internship — where i will complete the last 600 unpaid internship hours required for my masters degree. i am at a somatic therapy private practice. i have the permission and space to do deeper trauma processing with clients. and best of all, we don't just have to do talk therapy. my current supervisor has granted me the freedom to integrate the body-based healing modalities that i am so passionate about. but now, i sit and wonder if this is the work i want to do either.

the client work is so difficult because the pattern i continue to see is this: the client is undeniably struggling, but the client is not the problem! the world is. the state of the world. the systems we have to live in. i could literally sit with a client for 20 hours a week building safety internally, but when there's not much safety externally, what the fuck are we supposed to do? i am challenged again. no matter where i go i am challenged. a month into my new internship i sit back and wonder, "you know, maybe substance use disorders was a better fit. at least there was a presenting problem (substance use) that is very often tied to trauma, that can tangibly be addressed and worked with." that work wasn't any easier. but at least it felt more straightforward.

i don't know what i want to do. so why am i doing this? why am i writing again? why am i putting it up on the internet? because i am craving a space to put my voice out there more authentically. i have made over 400 reels and instagram posts, and i am going to continue sharing and growing on a platform that has helped me reach so many people and provide relief and resonance to so many people. but i don't think my voice was meant to sit in 7 second reels and 10 blurbs of text in a carousel. i have more to say.

i also heard that we can learn through writing. as i continue through my master's degree in social work with an intense focus on trauma, i want to write about what i am learning about, reading about, listening to, and experiencing. i want to put it into my own thoughts and words and onto a screen so that maybe it can integrate better into my brain. and maybe land in yours too. writing has always been necessary for me. i am used to a pen and paper in my journal, but there is something thrilling about putting your words out there for everyone to see. will you see yourself in me? will you challenge me? will you help me learn and grow?

for those of you who have been with me since may of 2024, and to those of you who may have stumbled onto this today — thank you for being here. thank you for bearing witness to my process.

this was a ramble. but i am doing this because i have a deep desire to bring more healing onto this earth. not in the "love and light" kind of way. but in the "i know personally that this world is so fucking hard to exist in sometimes, and i just can't imagine doing anything else with my life but trying to help others feel more okay."

i am doing big things. and i am going to do big things.